SOC 449 Benchmark Social Phenomena-GCU

SOC 449 Benchmark Social Phenomena-GCU

Sample Answer for SOC 449 Benchmark Social Phenomena-GCU Included After Question

SOC 449 Benchmark Social Phenomena-GCU

Details:

Social workers need to be able to identify how social constructions influence the client’s life. This assignment will develop this skill.

Watch the assigned video in Mind Tap “Home for the Holidays” located in the Topic 1 folder in MindTap.  Regarding the case study, in 750-1,000 words, expound the following prompts:

What are the social phenomena apparent in this case? Explain them. What theories would a social worker need to be familiar with in order to most effectively help the clients in this situation? What are some ways a social worker could use those theories in helping the client work through these social phenomena?

GCU believes that the Christian Worldview offers hope of restoration of all things through Christ with the belief that we are to carry out work within the public arena with compassion, justice, and concern for the common good. How might the Christian worldview align with or contradict aspects of the NASW Code of Ethics? Regarding to the “Home for the Holidays” case study, imagine that the social worker has a Christian worldview. How can she ensure that her Christian worldview/practice aligns with the Code of Ethics? Use the NASW Code of Ethics to identify the appropriate principle(s) that aligns with ethical practice in this instance. Cite 2-4 sources to defend your answers.

Prepare this assignment according to the guidelines found in the APA Style Guide

Video Transcript:

 

[ Silence ]

 

>> Hi, you are?

>> I’m Jackie.

>> Jackie, nice to meet you.  Anna, Anna, nice to meet you as well.  My name is Kim.

>> Hi.

>> I’m glad that you came in today.  I know it’s not easy to make a decision to come in and to make it all happen to be here, so I’m

really glad that you came in.

>> Yeah.

>> I’d like to start by–we’ll have about 40 minutes together in our session today and this is your time to tell me about yourselves and the things that you’re struggling with and for me to get to know you better both as individuals and as a couple.  What I’d like to do is sort of start with what are the ground rules, what are the expectations of the time.  So, have either of you been in counseling in the past?

>> We both have.

>> Yeah.

>> In the past.

>> Yeah.

>> So, some of these may not be new to you although the work as a couple maybe.  I want this to be a safe place for you to be able to talk about the issues that you’re struggling with and I will endeavor to keep private, anything that comes up in our relationship, in our work together.  The exceptions that are, if I feel somebody is at jeopardy or any–either of you are at jeopardy, your safety is at jeopardy and so in this state, that means from things such as the risk of suicide or child endangerment or the transmission of AIDS or harm to an elderly person.  Those would be conditions under which I would have to break that confidence.

>> Okay.

>> You understand that?

>> Yeah.

>> Also, I want this to be a safe place so that you feel free to speak and to try to have an agreement that you’ll maintain each other’s confidences in here.  So even though you’re in a relationship and you share a lot about that relationship with your friends and family and the like, I think, to have this be a safe place if you can agree to keep each other’s confidences about the things that come up here.

>> Okay.

>> That makes sense?

>> Yeah.

>> Great.  And then the other piece, sometimes when people come into couples work, it’s because of conflict and people are looking for someone to take sides or be a partisan.  And, I want you to know that in our work together, the way I look at it is my job is to work on the relationship with the two of you so that I’m not a referee, I’m not here to take sides.

>> Great.

>> Okay.

>> It may feel sometimes like I’m picking on one person or another but really that’s just to try to understand what’s going on and my intent is to work on the relationship.  And because of that, if I ever did see either of you, individually, as part of our work together, my rule about that is that there aren’t secrets in that that whatever is said, even if it’s said in individual session, it’s important that that be something that I’m privileged to share with the other person since you both are my clients, your relationship as my client.

>> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Is that okay?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay.  So, you called and said you’re having some struggles with decision-making about how you’re going to spend your holidays and that was sort of we left it at that and made a time so let’s start with that if you could tell me what–talk to me about what that struggle is.

>> Okay.  I was the one who called and we’ve just been struggling to try to figure out where we want to go for the holidays that are coming up.  I really want to be with my family, you know.  I’ve always been with my family and I just–I kind of don’t want to break that tradition and Anna is not, you know, that’s not what she really wants to do, so.

>> Well, that’s not necessarily true.  I mean, it’s the circumstance of going to her family.  The situation is never comfortable and her family isn’t very accepting of us, we stay in a hotel, we’re not able to be affectionate with one another.  Just overall, I don’t feel welcome there and I’m not opposed to going to Jackie’s family.  I just would like it to be more comfortable.

>> Okay.

>> I mean, I think that they do, you know, they allow us to be there.  They’re not–They don’t stop Anna at the door or anything.  You know, I think we have a good time and I mean, they’re doing the best they can, really.  I–you know, I think.  We don’t–

>> She did just come out, couple of months before–

>> To them, to them.

>> Yeah, to them.

>> To my parents–

>> All right.

>> At least.

>> A couple of months.

>> So, how long ago?  You said a couple of months before you moved in together.

>> Yeah.

>> And so how long ago would that have been?

>> Well, we moved in together almost a year ago.

>> Okay.

>> So, a little over a year.

>> Okay.  And so you spend last year’s holiday with–

>> We did separate.

>> Okay.

>> We haven’t really done–

>> With the exception of thanksgiving.  We spent together with my friends–

>> Yeah.

>> –which are sort of the extension of my family, we’ve always done that.

>> So, this year, it feels like because you’re a couple, you want to have your holidays, celebrations–

>> Together.

>> Together.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> And yet–and, but it doesn’t sound like it’s as much an issue of spending it with your family.

>> Well, we’re certainly welcome with my family and we–over the course of last year, I spent a lot of time with my family.

>> They live closer so we see them more often.

>> Okay, so–

>> They do live closer.

>> So you don’t feel as much of an impetus to spend the time with them.

>> Right, right.

>> Okay.  And so–and you feel a strong pull to spend it with your family.

>> Yeah, definitely.

>> Okay.  And yet that doesn’t feel like a comfortable and welcoming place to you.

>> At this point, no.

>> Well, I think–I think Anna is referring to my brother’s wedding few months ago when, you know, we were there and I had–you know, I was a bridesmaid so I had to run around a lot.  So I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her and–

>> Which I understood, I understood that.

>> Well, and then we also, you know, had family pictures and they didn’t want her in the picture.  And, I mean, it was my brother’s wedding.  I think it’s his decision of who he wants in the picture.

>> It’s not about the picture.  I mean, I wouldn’t want to be in the picture.  I’ve only been with you for two years.  I’m not expecting the relationship to be at that certain point, that for long.  I just want to feel comfortable when I’m there.  I mean, in addition to you being gone because you were the bridesmaid.  I was alone and no one was talking to me and I was trying–attempting to engage people.  I’m trying to, you know, engage your father.

>> Well, they are busy, I mean.

>> It just doesn’t feel like it’s just because they’re busy.

>> Okay, all right.

>> How does that feel when Jackie responds in that way to the piece?

>> Responds in?

>> Explaining her family’s behavior.

>> All right, I get a lot of the same thing from you about your family.  It’s that they just don’t talk about certain things and–but I’m not asking for them to talk about being gay.  I’m asking them just to engage me comfortably.

>> Well, I mean, I think they do as best job as they can.  I mean, it’s not–they’re not necessarily homophobic but they’re not comfort–

>> But they–

>> That’s new for them.  So I don’t know, I think Anna sort of pushes it, so.

>> Okay.  Do you feel like Anna crosses a line or is making expectations that are unfair in terms of your family?

>> Maybe not unfair, I don’t know.  It’s just not at a pace that she’d like, so.

>> I’m not asking for them to be ready to invite me into family pictures or to be a part of the family wedding.  I want to feel comfortable and I realized that, you know some of that is my piece so I need to, you know, continue to open myself up and, you know, start a dialogue with them and see if they come back to me.  But, I can’t get pass a law ’cause I’m immediately dejected when I am there.  I do not feel as though I’m supposed to be there.  And it’s–And fundamentally, it comes down to the fact that she doesn’t talk to her family about anything, especially about being gay.

>> Okay.  Do you want to speak to that?

>> Well, I mean, I just–I do talk to my family and, you know, I did come out to them and I had been, you know, fine.  Previous to that, not being out to them and just living my life how I wanted to and we did move in together and so I thought, you know, that would–I wanted to tell them and–

>> They accepted the coming out part, like they listened to you.

>> Well, yeah, they did.

>> And it was hard so what would happen if you just continue to talk to them about this.

>> Well–

>> About how I would like to feel comfortable.

>> Well, I kind of go–I take their lead.  So if they don’t want to talk about it then–or they don’t ask me about it, then I’m not going to talk.  I’m not just going to blurt it out and say, “Hey, everyone let’s–”

 

>> I think this is your opportunity to help, to change them.

>> I don’t think it’s my responsibility.

>> So, there’s some–so, there’s a dynamic here on many levels.  One that’s going on between the two of you as you try to sort out this holiday problem and yet also it sounds like it’s part of a larger issue in terms of conversations and communication, okay.  And then the issue of how you put together in this relationship and your family relationship as well.

>> Uh-hmm.

>> ‘Cause I’m wondering–let me ask a bit about the coming out conversation with your family because it sounds like that was not an easy conversation, yet one you were able to have with them.

>> Yeah.

>> Can you tell me more about that?

>> Sure.  It was–I was there visiting and it was after dinner and I, you know, I kind of mentioned to both of them, both of my parents how they wanted to talk to them and I told them that I was dating somebody who I was planning–who I was going to move in with.  And, that her name was Anna.  And they both just kind of nodded and really like okay.  And then my dad got up and went in the other room and started watching TV.  And my mom changed the subject.  So, I mean, they know, I told them.  But at least they didn’t yell at me or kick me out, so.

>> All right.  So, do you feel like this–that conversation is symbolic of the way other issues are handled in your family?

>> I mean, we don’t make a big deal about everything.

>> Okay.

>> They will talk about anything.

>> Okay.

>> Well, we talked–I mean–

>> There’s a lot of family secrets.

>> Like what?

>> I know it.

>> Like what?

>> You know, I will be totally–my family is completely honest.

>> Well–

>> There’s alcoholics and, you know, cousins in jail, and we just have kind of a dark history too and nobody talks about it.

>> Well, I don’t think they need to be brought up necessarily.  Like you don’t need to make everything a big deal and talk about it and–

>> ‘Cause this is exactly–

>> Get over with and [inaudible] in the past.

>> This is what our relationship–this is what happens.  She can’t talk.  Her family doesn’t talk, she doesn’t talk.  So, this is, you know, our relationship is–I mean we have a great time together.  But when it comes to arguing and working things out, it doesn’t get very far.

>> Okay.  So, that was going to be one of my other questions.  To what extent is the struggle over the wedding picture or the holiday decision symbolic of other challenges that you have in making decisions or working out differences or problems?

>> Is it symbolic?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> This time working?

>> Yeah.

>> Well, I guess I can see that.  I mean, it’s stressful I think for me, you know, and for our relationship that my family might not be as accepting as Anna would like.  So, it put some tension on our relationship and then we will argue.  Like, the tension is there and so we’re both a little more on edge and then we argue about so many things and, yeah.

>> And it sounds like that the real issue may not get addressed or get resolved maybe. It gets touched on but not resolved.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> I don’t want to put words in your mouth but I can–

>> [Inaudible] I guess I can see that.

>> And I don’t want to pick on people’s families because we all–all of our families are unique and we learn how to be in relationships by the families that we grow up in.  And it sounds like the way you’ve learned is sort of it’s everything is out there and it’s an open book for folks to discuss.  In your family, the rules have been different, the rules have been about where sort of stoic or where things are there but we aren’t going to discuss them.  We’re going to sort of deal with what’s in here and now, and am I accurate pertaining that?

>> Yeah.

>> And is that make a portrayal in your family.

>> Uh-hmm.

>> Okay.

>> The most part.

>> So, then the challenge is two different–two really different family styles and how do you make a style that’s going to work for your family that you’re creating together.

>> Yeah.

>> But also how are you going to be when you have to be part of those different families.

>> Yeah.  I know we’re lucky.  We get to be very open with more–with my family.

>> Uh-hmm.

>> And I feel like you’re comfortable there.

>> Yeah, but I wasn’t at first.  You know, I–

>> Yeah.

>> We can be more affectionate there.  They–you know, we get to stay in the same room and no one, you  know, stares at us or asks questions.  And that was hard for me at first because I wasn’t used to that.  I mean, around my friends or in the city that’s fine but with a family, that’s not something that I was comfortable with.  So, that was an adjustment for me.  But–

>> But generally, the sort of more open style is more–obviously, you feel that’s more comfortable for you, that’s more the model that you want to have.

>> Yeah, absolutely.  I–you know, it’s an open door policy with a kind where, you know, having a conversation about anything.  And I see her bringing her family and the way that they work into our relationship every single day.  And I just get on headbutts with, you know, my open door policy, you know.

>> Well, yeah, but I think, you know, your family talks about things too much.  You know, they’re, you know, one little thing and you got everyone sit down and talk about it.

>> That is not sure.

>> Well, I mean, that’s how–that’s how it seems.

>> That’s how it seems to you.

>> Well.

>> The issue is, does Jacky’s family have to be like your family–

>> No!

>>–in order for you to feel?

>> Absolutely not.

>> Are you sure?

>> Absolutely.

>> Okay.

>> Like I said, I just want the conversation to be facilitated.  Just talk to your folks one more time and say, “Why is it that you don’t want to talk about this?”

>> ‘Cause sometimes you open up to me like–

>> Well, sometimes.

>> And I think I see you–and I think I see her wanting to have that conversation with her parents.  Because you want me, the person you love, right, to feel comfortable with your family.

>> Yeah, of course.

>> So, what can we do about that?  Can’t we talk to your family again?  I could do it.

>> Well, why can’t you just be more comfortable with my family?

>> I’m trying.

>> Oh, well.

>> What gets in–so, I heard you say you’re trying.  Could you want to speak to her question–can you speak to her question a little bit.  I mean, I’m trying to figure out where is the middle ground there.  What’s–

>> I’m trying, I don’t know, like–

>> But what do you want them to do?

>> There’s–Okay, there is just a way that you converse in a relaxed way with people.  And it’s not even about your father being stoic or your mother being quite.  It’s just the way they, you know, the way they look at me and, you know, what they’re actually thinking when they see me, when they see us together.

>> But–

>> Whether we’re touching or not, it’s as though they assume that, you know, we’re gay and that’s all they can think about.  They can’t think about just either us is a couple or, you know, as a separate people.  What if I were just a stranger in there house or someone from their parish or–you know, wouldn’t they talk to me about baseball and just relax?

>> Well, yeah, but, well–but you’re not.  You know, they–

>> That’s why we reopen the conversation with them about us being gay and how we want to talk about it being normal and a real relationship.

>> I just don’t see them saying, “Okay, I hear your perspective.  Let’s–”

>> Wow.

>> Okay.  What’s your–what’s–obviously, you’re sharing your idea.  What’s your idea around how your family might move to–you know, you said, you don’t want to push them I think is what you said earlier or whatever.

>> Yeah.

>> You know, I’ve got their pace.  What would be the arrival point for you that you’d feel like “Oh, wow, this is–they are on board that the best that they can do?”

>> Well, I can see, you know, it would be great if they were like your family.  Like that–but that’s not my family like they’re not–

>> I understand that.

>> But just wait.

But they, you know, I’ve always been–we know with my family I’ve been who I am with my family.  And then away from my family, you know, I’m gay and out and just a different part of me and I kind of–what would be almost ideal or the only way I can really see it working is if Anna was a little bit more supportive of the person I am with my family.  So, not so pushy about it and just–I mean, and I think that’s a way maybe they’ll come around and they’ll be more comfortable if they don’t feel like we’re throwing it in their face all the time or pushing them.

>> So it’s couple issues, it’s not coercing them or forcing them to come to a certain standard.  But I also heard you talk about you’re being pushed by Anna.

>> Well, yeah I guess so, yeah.

>> And is that–and I’m just watching a little bit of the dynamic here is you’re talking about it, you’re kind of like this is BS or–I’m seeing–I’m seeing something in your face that’s–and is that an accurate observation?

>> Yeah.

>> So this–say, talk to me about that.

>> Well, just–why compromise myself for your family?

>> So you feel like you’re being compromised.

>> Yeah and I don’t–I don’t believe that this is really how you feel.  I really think that what she wants is for us to feel comfortable at her family’s house.  But she is so deeply afraid and I’m afraid of it too. If she has that conversation with her parents and it goes poorly, am I going to be there?  Is your family going to be there?  It could–you know, it could completely fall apart and I just–

>> So, it feels very high–like a very high stakes conversations.

>> Definitely.

>> Yeah.

>> And you–you can hear her say that the–how that is and you understand that that–

>> Yeah, yeah.  I do understand that it is but I think that you want to have both, but you have to go through.  You have to talk to them.  You have to have that conversation again and let the, you know, let them get upset and let it fizzle out and then [inaudible].

>> I don’t think they’ll even listen.

>> Okay.  What meaning does the–what meaning does the conversation have for you?

>> It’s not so much the conversation itself.  It’s just bringing it up again and having, you know, just a small little nibbles of a conversation with your folks.  Because I don’t–you’re right, they’re not going to take it especially all at once.  And I–

>> What does it symbolize to you Anna that Jackie would either make the effort or–because it sounds like it’s, as you said it’s not just the conversation.

>> Well, she would open up.

>> Uh-hmm.

>> She would talk to her family and talk to me because I would be willing to, you know, help you find the way to have that conversation.  And, am I wrong in saying that’s not something that you want or that you want to communicate more effectively even with just with me?

>> Yeah, well I mean that’s why we’re here.

>> You made the appointment.

>> Right?

>> Yeah.

>> That’s why I called but I think it’s a lot to ask for me to say, you know, you need to go have a conversation with your folks.   They couldn’t kick me out or, you know, I don’t.  And then if it happens and they say you’re not welcome here anymore, you know, whatever, what am I left with it or, you know.  I kind of lose my family of origin.  Yeah, I know, but that’s a huge risk.

>> Family–I just don’t think that that would happen.

>> What if I said something to you about that you had to make some sort of decision that could make your family, you know, disown you and make you choose between your family and between me.

>> Well, I guess I’m lucky that wouldn’t happen.

>> Yeah, you are lucky.

>> Okay.  Go on.

>> Miss–

>> So if Jackie refused to have the conversation with her family.  If she just said, it’s too hard.  It’s not how we operate, I’ve–we have to accept them on their terms, whatever, what would that mean to you?  What message would–Would you be taking away from that?

>> Well, obviously, I mean, this is about more than just talking to her family.  It’s about the way that we are talking when we argue and when we’re at home.  I mean, you know, we’ve been living together for a year and, you know, things are mostly peaceful, but sometimes I feel like they’re peaceful just because we don’t communicate.

>> Uh-hmm.  You’re right.

>> That sometimes happens with couples.

>> So, I just feel like it could be a breakthrough is she could bring that up.  ‘Cause it’s so–It’s so deeply I feel that you want to have that conversation that it’s really in you.

>> And what if I didn’t?

>> I don’t know.  I guess well see.  I love you and I’ll keep you around I guess, but I think–I think it will have a greater repercussions then just–the family, me, being alienated or feeling alienated from your family.  I think it will be bigger than that.  I think it will be, you know, a relationship.  I think something could possibly end it.

>> What goes on for you when you hear that?

>> Angry.  I mean, I guess it–in one sense because I don’t want feel like I’d have to, like it’s an ultimatum and I don’t know.  You know what?  What are–I feel like there should be more options here and–

>> I’m not giving you the ultimatum.

>> Well, that’s what it feels like.  I’m just saying.

>> Well, I promise I will find the words to make that sound differently, but I am not giving you an ultimatum.

>> Well, and, you know, that scares me ’cause I don’t want to have to choose right away.  I want to make both better I guess.

>> Often when we’re forming new families, new couples, they were torn between the–our families that we come from and the new family that we’re creating and often placed out in situations like you’re experiencing with logistical kinds of decisions about the holidays.  But–And issues of loyalty come up around that.  And I guess one of the pieces I have heard is this issue of trust in this relationship.  Will this relationship be there?  Can you be confident in your relationship with each other?  And, you know, speak to that.

>> All we need–we need to have the commitment.  And we need to be loyal to one another.

>> Well, in–

>> And overall, I feel so I am being loyal to you.  And that I’m looking out for your best interest.

>> Well, and I am too.  I mean, I think we both are committed and working through things but–I don’t know.  I don’t–I guess in terms of trust, I still don’t feel like it would be strong enough for me to, you know, approach my family and end up losing them and–I don’t know.  I think–

>> I guess I’m wondering if part of you were acting in her best interest, thus, making her walk the plank.

>> Yeah, I think she’ll probably–yeah, all right.

>> Did you see what I mean?

>> Yeah.

>> And that may be–I guess–so one of the questions to think about, and this isn’t the one we have to resolve today is how to make this–how to act in each other’s best interest, what other options of ways to do that.  If I can switch though for a second, you would said–I guess I’m interested in other situations in which this–your ways of communicating of these sort of rules and norms that you grow up with that you’re bringing to this relationship may play out in your decision-making and your communications.  Are there other situations in which you feel that it’s too out there, it’s too pushed or where you feel Jackie is avoiding?

>> Yeah, any given day can be like that because I spend my days communicating.  She spends her days cooking.  She spends it, you know, reclusively.  She, you know, is behind the scenes and when she comes home, she’s not about ready to engage with me.  And I think that that’s completely representative of the way she grew up.  And, you know, I’m not expecting you to be anything but who you are.  But in order to have a relationship, we have to talk and I definitely think that this issue with her family shows up everyday.

>> Well, and I could say the same thing because I, you know, I own a restaurant.  I’m busy.  I have a lot of responsibility and I think Anna doesn’t always recognize, you know that part of me.

And I’m really proud of the work that I do.  And I just–when I come home, I’m tired.  And I don’t always want to have, you know, like get in to it and talk about it like everything all the time.  And that’s what it feels like sometimes.

>> I don’t feel like I’m trying to do that.  I don’t want to talk about everything all the time.  I don’t want to talk all the time either.

>> But compared to the norms that she’s used to, it feels like all the time and compare with the norms you’re used to it feels like–

>> I’ve been in relationships before where, you know, the communication hasn’t been great but–you know what?  I’d rather have you yelling on me than not saying anything at all.

>> Well, you know I don’t yell.

>> You don’t yell.

>> I got a feeling yelling was not in your family repertoire.

>> No.

>> Yeah, okay.  How do you–How would Anna know that you felt really strongly about something?

>> I don’t know, I tell her.  I don’t know.  It’s a good question ’cause I don’t really know.

>> When she feels strongly about something and–

>> Can I–

>> Yeah, that’s good ’cause I–

>> When she feels, you know, strongly about something, she puts everything she’s got into it, you know.  She swim in college, she was good.

>> Yeah.

>> You know, she want to own a restaurant, she did.  If she wanted to communicate better, I think she could.

>> Well, sometimes, I think we do have good communication like–

>> Yes, not always but–

>> Okay, do you have any example?

>> Well–

>> Or a situation where you felt like–

>> Usually like when we decide what we want to do for–when we have spend time together, usually that–

>> You mean free time?

>> Yeah, free time like we like to do the same things and we have a lot of fun together when we do.  You know, we can go camping and have a really good time.  And leisurely, we–both are seemed to be on the same page with how we want to spend our time.

>> [Laughs] Which is just leisure.

>> Well, and–but I mean that’s good start, right?

>> So let me ask you this.

>> Sure.

>> Well, I wonder if part of the communication that’s coming across here like in that last bit felt dismissive to you.  I hear you kind of–

>> Yeah.

>> I don’t want to put words in your mouth here, but we’re talking about communication.  There are different ways to withdraw from a conversation and one may be retreat or overwork or whatever and–

>> Yeah, I’m always right.

>> You’re always what?

>> I’m always right.

>> Okay.

>> I’ll give you that.

>> Okay.

>> Well, I don’t want to put words in your mouth.

>> No, no, no, it’s fine.

>> Well yeah, I mean just say–

>> Well, I wonder if you’re pushing me off now little bit on that.  If this is–if you’re going underground on me here.

>> I’m communicating.

>> Right.

>> But, I mean like–

>> You’re communicating.  You don’t want to talk with us about that anymore.

>> Look, yeah, this is just leisure.  I mean, but–

>> We came to the table.  We both like to go hiking.  Great!  We can communicate and go hiking together.  But what about the things that we came to this table and we have differences?  Whether it’d be that, you know, I’m always right that you never say anything.

>> Well–but I think it’s a good start.  The fact that we can communicate of how we want to spend our time together.

>> Being here is probably a good start.

>> Well, yeah.

>> And I–I mean, I think what you’re sharing is a both end.  I think you’re acknowledging that there are things maybe logistical or apparently superficial things that–but when people can agree on that, they’re having further to go.

>> Yeah.

>> So, you’re saying that in your saying that it can’t stop there, it has to go to more meaningful [inaudible].

>> One night I would agree but I don’t want to just say, you know.  I mean I want to acknowledge that we do have some good communication.

>> Oh, yeah.  Yeah, we do.

>> Yeah.

>> So in the way that we’ve conversed about this here for the last 15 or 20 minutes or so.  Is that similar to what happens when you’re at home working out something like what you’re going to do over the holidays or in other words the ways that you word things or your body language, those kinds of things?

>> I started out positive.  And it don’t always seem that way.

>> Okay.

>> I get pretty easily frustrated if she doesn’t want to talk about it.

>> Yeah, I mean, I don’t always have things to say about it, so.

>> Okay.  So, it’s not simply a matter of work–that was what we were hearing before as she work long days and you’re tired when you get home and you just don’t want to deal with it, but it’s sounds like it’s more than that.

>> Well, yeah.  I mean, I think I just, I mean I am tired.  I don’t want to have to–

>> But there’s got to be something in your head, right?

>> Well, I mean, yeah, there’s probably.

>> To [inaudible] some more?

>> It’s a–yeah, it’s–I’m not used to that.

>> It seems like Anna just said something provocative and you kind of didn’t bide on that.  Is that common in your discussions?

>> I mean, like not having anything in my head or my–any thoughts?

>> Yeah.

>> I think, I mean, she gets frustrated.  So yeah, I mean, sometimes at some point she’ll make snide comments, like that.

>> Okay.  Well, so I’m wondering if for you, that’s a bit of trying to raise the volume a little bit to get her pulled out of her cocoon, get her to speak up.  And for you, you don’t rise to debate because the history that you were sharing earlier about not really liking conflict and conflict to all discussions.

>> Yeah.

>> And I don’t want to put words in your mouth but I’m trying to–it seems that, that maybe symbolic of this dynamic?

>> Yeah.  Uh-hmm, I would think so.  I do think so.

>> Yeah.

>> Anna?

>> I push buttons.  I don’t mean to.  Like I said, I start out being calm, but two years ago.  I’m less patient now.

>> And does that leave you feeling–do you feel pressure as a result to that?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay.

>> Definitely.

>> We could see more about that.

>> I mean, I feel like I can’t do, you know, I can’t necessarily go at the pace that she wants me to and then it’s, you know, I never can really do anything right.  If I’m not, you know, talking about everything all the time, talking to my parents all the time about me and, you know, putting myself out there, I don’t know.  So–

>> And then, it feels like all that’s left is to push the buttons in order to try to evoke a response or–

>> Yeah, but like hearing this, I know that I don’t want to.  And I don’t want to feel like you need to step up to the plate and just, you know, do it all now.  And I need to calm down, but I want–I would like to talk.  I would like to be able to talk.  I feel like I got doped at the beginning of the relationship.  I felt like it was going–I thought–I don’t know.  I thought you’re going to be more open.

>> Well, I think I am more open with–socially or at least, you know, here.

>> I’m right here.

>> I know, but I mean, I understand that I’m not as open as what you’re used to.  But I’m working on it, you know.

>> Well, and it seems to me that there’s being open and–out there and some of its communication style and the like.  But also, the fundamental issue is can you work out your differences?  Can you solve serious problems and choices and things in your relationship in a way that’s satisfactory to both of you even if it doesn’t meet the standard that you’ve got in your mind and even if it’s a stretch for you from the standard that you’ve got in your mind?  Does that make sense in terms of–?

>> Uh-hmm.

>> Yeah, I think we can work it out.

>> Yeah.

>> We have.  I mean, moving into the other is–

>> It’s a big decision.

>> –it’s a lot of decisions involved in that and I think that that has been successful and–

>> I would agree.

>> Yeah, okay.

>> So, I’m wondering if there’s benefit in or working together around those communication skills.  And some of it is helping not just openness, but helping to know the timing to talk about things, to talk about what our fair mutual expectations, and ways of putting things that bring people into the conversation rather than push them away.

 

>> Yeah.

>> Is that–would that be worth–a worthwhile use of our continued time together if we did that?

>> I think so.

>> Yeah.

>> Okay, all right.  How urgent do you feel the holiday decision is because I know that’s what brought you here even though we’ve gone on to the more focused issues?

>> Well, it’s–well, it’s hard ’cause it seems pretty urgent, but now after talking seems a little more overwhelming to try to–

>> Yeah.  I think–

>> –picture this–

>> Maybe we should just do it separately.  And I wouldn’t love you any less or–

>> But, you know, hearing after today like hearing about it, I really don’t want to do it separate again.  And, you know, if there’s a way that my family could–

>> We’ll continue to not over–

>> Let me ask you this.  If you–what–one of what–a part of what you’re saying is, if you do it together, that helps to reinforce the denial that’s part of the issue that you feel–that if you go to your family by yourself, that’s just allows them not to have to be confronted by the fact that you two were couple.  That–

>> Yeah.

>> –a part of that, okay.  And so, I’m wondering if there are ways–I heard you say at the beginning that you stay in a hotel and like short of that, what are some things that you could do?  Jackie is not ready to have the conversation, maybe the family is not ready to have a conversation.  What are some of the ways that you could do to help rein–to make you feel more comfortable in the home and to feel that you’re reinforcing for them that your primary bonds with each other?

>> I’ll stand up for myself in politics on the television and, you know, maybe I’ll just hold your hand at dinner.  But I’m not–I’m going to go because I can stand up for myself and stand up for us, and maybe I can help, you know, speed that process.

>> I was thinking too like we could cook a meal together for the family or, you know, when we do gifts, you know, say that they’re from the both of us?

>> Yeah.

>> Or something like that.

>> You’re willing to do that?

>> Yeah.

>> I know you’re willing to do the things that Anna is suggesting.

>> Holding hands at dinner, I–I mean I–yeah, well I mean, I can’t say that I’ll be–I won’t be uncomfortable.  I’m probably, you know, pretty terrified from now until then.  But, you know, if we meet again before then, that would be really helpful or–

>> We certainly.  We certainly when we time to do that.

>> ‘Cause I can get there, maybe we practice.

>> Okay.  Okay.

>> So, you feel better?

>> Yeah.

>> So, let me summarize.  You came in, you called because of the struggle that you’re having around the decision at the holidays which is primarily around your comfort being with Jackie’s family and their ways of communicating and their level of acceptance.  And I heard you say that you’ve been together for a couple of years that you’ve lived together for about a year.  And that you want to spend holidays, another significant time together.  I also heard that the struggles around this decision making about the holiday are symbolic of other challenges in communications and other incidences in the family, the [inaudible] a feeling not included.  And, that it make sense for us in our future work to focus on those communication things.  Are there other things and just sort of trying to recap where we’ve been during this time that I’ve missed or that we want to make sure we point out for a future work together?

>> I think we’re really, well, I’m not going to speak for you.  But I really see that it is a communication, but that’s–we just don’t communicate and I push and on [inaudible] about me, but–

>> Okay

>> It’s communication.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah, all right.  I mean, I agree to that.

>> All right.  Well, I really appreciate you coming in and we’ll talk in minute about our timing for next week.  But I think working on communication will sounds like it would be beneficial and you’ve done a lot of good work here today.  It’s a good platform for our next steps.  So, thank you.

>> Thank you.

>> Thanks.